Attachment Theory, Jesus and Simple Faith

Sometimes the way between modern psychological thought and spiritual formation is a tentative rope bridge that not many want to navigate and more deem unfit. But, hear me out on this one. I think, that understanding the Bible with an Attachment lens will bring new insight into some of the behaviours you see in yourself, shed light on some of your deepest faith struggles and provide a framework for understanding the behaviours of those who play side parts to the sweeping God narrative of the Bible.

It is no secret that as human's we are hard wired for attachment. Many theologians would say this is one of the ways we have been created in the image of God, who is, in his very nature, a secure connection. Indeed, one might even argue that God prioritizes the idea of attachment by placing us in the church and telling us to... well... connect well. After all, themes of unity, harmony and love are woven throughout the Biblical narrative. It is precisely this science of how we connect or fail to connect well that intrigued John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth who were pioneers in observing how infant’s earliest connections with their caregivers affected their patterns of connecting throughout life.

Bowlby and Ainsworth worked with the observation that infants emerge from the womb with underdeveloped nervous systems. Attachment figures, or primary caretakers, are meant to be the infant’s one constant, comforting place of safety until their nervous systems mature and they can regulate their own moods and emotions. In essence, these attachment figures become surrogate nervous systems. Eventually, if attachment figures have done their jobs, the toddlers are able to venture out beyond their caretakers with confidence, while still being able to run back to them for reassurance if something frightens or hurts them. Proximity to attachment figures remains key in their developing world. Humans are small, vulnerable and dependant creatures at the start. It is sheer survival to connect.

Observing infants and young children with attentive and responsive parents, Ainsworth and Bowlby noticed that these infants developed secure attachments evidenced by confidence in exploring the world around them. These children grew into healthy, well-adjusted adults who made other secure attachments with friends and romantic partners, were curious, collaborative, in tune with their emotional landscape and comfortable with intimacy. They learned connection was key to thriving.

But what happens if a child's immature nervous system is met by a caregiver who cannot regulate it, who inconsistently attends to them, or worse, harms them? Bowlby and Ainsworth noticed children with these kinds of attachment figures exhibited distressing behaviours that they coined Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganized attachment styles. These children learned both that they needed to attach to their caregivers to survive but that attaching did not always mean safety. For the sake of space, I will breeze through these definitions, but googling "Attachment Theory" will take you to a number of resources for a more in depth look.

When an infant is unsure of whether it’s cries for distress will be attended to, it develops an anxious attachment style. The anxiously attached child is never quite sure it will get the comfort its unregulated nervous system needs which translates into great distress when separated from its parents. Think clinginess and whining. An infant who has learned that its attachment figure doesn't come when it cries, rarely attend to its needs, or who is hurtful or frightening, develops an avoidant style. This infant won't respond by coming closer to his or her attachment figure when it is in distress and shows no preference between its caregivers and a total stranger, preferring to play alone. Lastly, if an infant is surrounded by caregivers who are unpredictable; at one moment loving and kind and at another moment angry and dangerous, they develop a disorganized attachment style which is exhibited by confusing signals around connection. These infants will cry for their caregivers but as the parents come close, they will push them away. They seem caught in an incongruous loop between needing care and fearing the caregiver.

But what does this have to do with spiritual formation? Well, the Christian faith has always been founded on the ultimate of secure attachments, that of our belovedness to our Father God. The greatest commandment was in fact an attachment commandment, as was the second. "You should love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind... and the second is like it, love your neighbour as yourself" (Matthew 22:37-38) But, if an individual has never known what a secure attachment is, never had one modelled in their primary attachments, does this inhibit their ability to relate to God the Father? I think it is only logical to assume that it could and does.

Attachment trauma is the term that refers to the negative and persistent effects left in the nervous system of individuals who have not experienced unconditional positive regard and consistent caretaking from their attachment figures. The nervous system has learned from an early age to store danger signals around connecting, especially to caregivers. These subconscious and physiological reactions become instinctive and often imperceptible into adulthood. They include feelings of shame, diminished value and guilt. The brain and the body are stuck in a constant loop of fear and protection against the very thing it is meant to need.

But just because we fear that connection or feel unworthy of it, does not stop our souls from breathing the oxygen of connection. We come up with all kinds of substitutes to fill our lungs, because we cannot live well without it. Could it not be true, that many call to God from a place of their most primal need and yet have their body send the familiar scripts of their attachment trauma in the form of shame, guilt and doubts of worth as ways of scrambling the signal? How difficult is it to trust someone called “Father” when the brain sends instinctive danger signals to the body around that word?

God says, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28). He says, "keep on asking, keep on knocking, keep on looking for me "(Luke 11:9). But, attachment trauma can put a loud static on the line for hearing these inherently attachment based statements. Anxious attachment could receive this message like, God wants to take care of me, but I’m going to have to earn his love and be really, really good, so that he will give me the gift of his peace and answer my prayer. Avoidant attachment might react in pushing back with a surplus of human strength and deny needing what God is promising, or deny the existence of God altogether. Disorganized attachment might look like someone crying at the alter, desperate for a touch from God only to run from God the next day in a shame filled retreat into less than ideal substitutes for the connection they really desire, or deciding that if a prayer isn't immediately answered, that it must be because God doesn't love or care for them.

An understanding of attachment trauma can and should move us to compassion for where our ability to trust has been fragmented. In fact, I see Jesus doing just this when looks down over Jerusalem and says, "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing." (Matthew 23:37) Here is God's relevant and personal cure to attachment trauma, his own son, feeling the agony of the avoidant and disorganized attachements Israel had adopted with their Father in heaven.

Science has given us many practical ways to calm trauma responses and reteach the body to connect to the present in ways that can heal the body from trauma echoes that live in the past. Combining body calming techniques and meditating on the message of Jesus promises immense relief for the Christian in healing past attachment traumas. Retraining the nervous system to associate peace, trust and hope with a heavenly Father relating to us in the present through the cost of his own attachment trauma, the death of his son, breathes oxygen back into our attachment breathing souls.

If this post has resonated with you and you would like to unpack what attachment trauma has meant in your spiritual formation, I invite you to reach out and come in for a session.